sleeping arrangements

i woke up this morning with a headache and a stiff neck.

since lady marlowe has come into our lives we’ve had to make a few adjustments, like making sure no clothes are left on the floor because she will eat them and making sure we’re heavily stocked on dog food because she’s the biggest piggy in the house.

but just look at that face!

hahaha!  maybe this one is better 

the biggest change has been the sleeping arrangements.  marlowe has found a very interesting spot to claim in the bed and has displaced the kitties.  this caused a lot of shuffling and wriggling and rolling as we all found a new sweet spot. now, most nights mae sleeps in her own bed like a big girl but sometimes she wanders in around 9:30 and wants to snuggle.  normally, as soon as she drifts off into dream land i elbow hubs and tell him to put her in her bed (which is the top bunk and mamas can’t be expected to lift 5 year old dead weight that high), but recently i’ve found myself waking up around 12:30 am to a scene like this one:

this would explain the stiff neck.

what woke me up last night though was mae kneeing me in the face.  i’m not really sure how it was physically possible, but sleeping babes are very bendy.  so, i pushed her leg down and tried to pull my hair out from under marlowe.  i scooted down a little to find a crooked little spot for my willowy limbs to rest.  after i dozed off again, marlowe started barking.  she must have heard something out the window which is where our pillows are propped up.  hubs rolled over and told marlowe to shut it, then whacked me right in the face.  i guess when you’re half asleep you could easily mistake my head for a wiry little dog’s butt.  he immediately apologized by saying, “oh!  sorry babe!” and pet my head a little.

that might expalin the headache.

fresh start

and other various beginnings.

i cut off my hair.

i got out of the shower the other day and took the scissors to it.  i do that sometimes.  it’s good and fresh and in the theme of cleansing that’s been going on around here.  i cleaned room from room at the beginning of the summer and now i’ve started up again, but cleansing.  every drawer, cabinet, closet, and cubby - turned inside out.  i sent huge bags of clothes and toys and hangars off to new and needy places via my mama and felt lighter without the weight of 3T jeans and unworn gifts bearing down on me to find them out of the way spots.  our house is tiny and out of the way spots are rare and precious.

zebra left us.  

suddenly and unexpectedly he was gone.  he never seemed sick or strange but one afternoon elephant covered him with newspaper, stood over him, and began squawking.  mae and i were shocked and confused and began figuring out a game plan.  all the while elephant guarded him.  she would curl up next to him and ruffle her feathers as if she was settling in for the night but as soon as we got close to the cage she would hop up on top of him and squawk at us to leave.  we did finally remove him and found her a lady friend spice finch.  her name is pinecone and she sounds like a tiny hawk.  i like it.  it’s so quiet around here in the mornings without our zebra song man but i suppose we’ll adjust to the peace just as we adjusted to the racket.

first day of school today for my girls.  my baby.  my big girl.

big fish 6th grader and little fish kindergartner.  oh man.  big changes and hard ones for this mama.  i held in tears until we left the school and only choked up a few on the way to the car.  everyone says the same thing - are you gonna take naps!?  you’re gonna have so much free time now! - yes, i will  have more time to myself and that’s a good thing.  i’ll be able to clean without little toy monsters leaving a trail behind me and i’ll be able to do this without anyone tapping me every third second asking me for snacks or why dogs have hair or if they can put baby powder in the litter box.  maintaining a train of thought is good.  yes.  it keeps my brain from sneezing.

we are starting the year round school schedule this year so this will be a departure, but i’m looking forward to more breaks over the year.  i don’t know if i’ll miss the long summer vacations yet.  alizah loved camp so much she wants to go FOUR weeks next summer.  i’m ok with that.  our quiet introvert child has found a place to shed her shell and i’ll do anything i can to facilitate it.

no more babies.

ouch…

i can still knit for other people’s babies though and that takes the sting out a little.

hubs is moving on to major career changes, too.  in a week he begins down his path and within two months everything will be different.  i keep saying - change is good! - it’s the mantra of the month.  august is the month of change.  ok.  we can do this.  he’ll be gone a week or more at a time meaning mama is going to have to put on her gladiator suit.  i like that suit and i haven’t had to pull it out in years so i’ll clean it up and polish it and get used to the heaviness for a while before wearing it full-time. 

i guess it’s time for me to run errands without small people.  i think i’ll turn up the radio.

xo 

run aways

sometimes you just need to get out of dodge.

we have the great fortune of having friends with welcoming families who live in magical places and invite us to share in it with them.

on the road with the three kid-os

once we arrived i plopped down on the couch and watched some “tv”

these windows are grand!  as grand as the matching set on the other side of the house behind where i was sitting.  it was like a tunnel of light.  flower gardens were in sight and birds of all kinds swooped, hopped, and pecked in view.  the pasture sits just beyond the gardens and the horses can be seen most of the day.  the first morning mae woke up and sat here she squealed, “HORSES!”  i think she forgot where she was for a second.  ha!

gourds

mae’s favorite spot

sitting on the hill with my girl after dinner and watching the horses graze, watching the sun settling behind the trees, and talking about all the things we’ve seen and done.

mare’s mother is a child whisperer and she had a special task for the children.  our first night the kids presented us with menus and asked us to choose what we would like for breakfast the next morning.  it was so sweet.  the kids woke up and made sure we had our coffee and toasted breads, applied spreads, and acted as nooka’s servers as the food came off the stove.  cash was extremely excited about the whole thing.  it was so sweet.

the red boots

hmm i cant remember if this was before or after the great grasshopper attack of 2012.  i’m thinking after.  (thanks for the shot mare <3)

mae was pretty peeved that mama went riding without her.  she and i hopped on and went for a solo stroll not once - but TWICE (and my butt is still paying the price)

it’s a good time to talk.  she asked me a lot of questions and we talked about all sorts of things like gm crops and all the things you can make out of soy.  ha!  kids are open to just about anything and i’m a wealth of weird knowledge.  how many other opportunities do we have like that in our days though?  such a blessing.  she said she likes how good i am at driving horses & that she wished we had one so that i could teach her all the things i know.  it sort of broke my heart a little.

she is so very at home here.  boots on, horse noses to pet, wide open spaces to hoot and run and ride, dirt to sink her toes into…

we’re grateful for the hospitality, warmth, & kindness.  i hope we can make it back soon with alizah in tow (who, if you’re wondering is finally coming home from camp!  she cried when her dad picked her up and begged to stay another week.  woah.  when i talked to her she said she’s a changed woman and will no longer be wearing shoes or sleeping indoors.) 

————————————————————————-

now that i’m a fully functioning human again, i’ll be here more.  i’m switching things up a bit.  

as circumstances change, so do we. xo

the system

detour

it’s been a wholly hard time and that’s not something to be shared or remembered.  no documentation needed when the walls cave in.  but, it then dawned on me that maybe i should begin notching out the moments on my timeline of severe flames so that i can map out patterns or cycles.

i think sometimes we prepare without our conscious mind being privy to the information our subconscious holds.  i cleared out my entire work space.  i needed it clean and fresh.  i needed to see no wips.  i needed to let my mind rest.

we played, but stayed in.  it was quiet with blinds drawn.  the outside world was desert hot and desert dry and the garden laid to waste.

i had projects to finish and i raced to do it.  i worked into the night and wee hours of the morning stitching and pinning and raving about completion.

i gobbled up time with my sister friend and drank as much iced chai as my stomach would hold.

collapse.

it all came down - slowly like a leaf on the breeze - drifting back and forth, lower and lower until landing softly.  quietly.  my symptoms rose up from my shoulders and rolled down day by day. three full days of “rest” but mostly of writhing and whining.  such a baby i can be sometimes.

i’m not usually one to be pulled by emotion - or bullied by it.  i spent all of my tears when i was young and you’d be hard pressed to wring one out of me now, but this past week the damn broke and tears flowed easily - while i made dinner - or did dishes - or lazed around in bed - or talked to my mother - or did nothing at all.  i hate to cry.  my eyes burn and it gives me a headache.  emotional hang over?  feeling bad makes everything bad and having a chronic disease means facing this side of my life regularly.  i hate asking for help.  i hate waiting on others to take care of things for me.  i hate being weak.  i hate these flare-ups.  i hate having to sheepishly admit that there is no cure which is almost like saying there is no hope, but that is the dark side of the pain whispering to me.

twice a year the pain comes for a visit.  always.  once in the summer and once in the winter.  this time was the worst ever since my diagnosis.  water balloons in my joints.  nails piercing my hands and feet.  skin burning.  bones cracking.  head pounding.  muscles twisting.  strength departing. hair coming out in clumps.  arches falling.  tendons slacking.  speech scrambling.  sadness rearing.  joy dying… a little.  but i’m a pheonix.  every death brings life.

we’ve been pro-active this time around.  i’ve been trying to edit my diet.  i’ve been trying to keep the sun behind the shades.  i’ve been trying to keep my body moving (yes, h - we started doing tai chi!  the kids laugh and the dog barks at us).  i’m trying to wait it out.  i know the flares can last a month and i’m not at all happy about that.  the timing is BAD.  it’s our last month of summer!  i had classes to cancel and trips to bow out on.  it’s painful just typing this.  i can’t knit.  

i was talking to the boy about it because he knows, maybe better than even hubs what i went through when i was diagnosed.  when i told him about the flare he knew what it meant.  when i told him i couldn’t knit he said it was the worst part of all.  yes!  HA!  so right.  he’s so, so right.  oh the sweet friends i have.  sensing enough to call.  checking in like clockwork.  pitch and tone saying, “i feel you and it’s real”

now i’m spending my days like an old person… sipping tea and watching the pool fun from the shade venturing only into the lazy river and cursing those damn kids for bumping into me.  every jerk makes my joints scream…. 

but also holding onto these last days before big baby girl is a SIXTH grader and little baby girl leaves me for kindergarten.  trying to savor.  trying to grip.  trying to love.

knees bent.  step forward, weight forward.  weight back.  turn.

systemic lupus sucks.

if you’re interested in more information about this crappy disease,

check out this very non-crappy website. xo